Another Decade to Reflect

Last week I joined the esteemed ranks of the ‘closer to 40 than 30’ club. I had my friend and her kids over for dinner and my sister came with Dairy Queen. Instead of a whole party that may stress me out, I enjoyed some of my favorite folks with a fabulous ratatouille followed by my favorite DQ cherry dip. I got calls from both parents and every sibling, lined my awesome birthday cards on the bookshelf. By the end of the day, I was pretty worn out but I think I fared pretty well overall. In past years I haven’t necessarily wanted to make a big deal out of my birthday because sometimes I just didn’t feel worthy of celebrating. Thankfully this year I saw fit to accept good tidings and it made for a lovely day.

Funny, it seems like just yesterday I was deep in the throes of my quarter life crisis. It’s just occurring to me now just how much has transpired since then...A thought quickly followed by my realizing how difficult it would be for me to summarize the last decade. All I’ll say is that on my 30th birthday I vowed what an awesome decade it would be since the 20’s had been so tumultuous. I’d like to think that so far, that prediction has been mostly correct. I mean, sure-I went from cane to walker to wheelchair but even that wasn’t as bad as the fear I endured in my 20’s waiting for just that to happen. There was something so damningly dark about the unknowns MS had in store that at times it’s almost preferable to be in a wheelchair than to fear it lurking on the horizon. If someone had asked me ten years ago if I saw my life unfolding the way it is today--I’d have thought them mad. For all the years I spent pining for my legs to work just a little longer, there was always that cloud over my head reminding me that it wouldn’t last forever and that was pretty brutal. I’ve gained a certain mental freedom over the years that I've lost function. Freedom from the ever-present ache of dread. It seems so foreign to see loss as a gain. Right now, today, I am reflecting on how much more possibility my life holds now that that dread has waned. No longer do I have to tread lightly for fear of what the next week, month, or even year may bring... So this week, I begrudgingly leave it at this: I mourn the loss of my ambulatory self but am relieved at the death of uncertainty. At least this way I know where I stand, so to speak.